Glimpses · of · Insanity

What's wrong with people? Seriously? The year is 2007 and it seems like as time draws on people are getting more and more uncontrollable, and far be it from me to ever advocate controlling what people want to do. But these past couple of days have been absolutely ridiculous. When did it become Okay for people to walk around and disrespect everyone and everything? I have been disrespected in my work place, in my home, and everywhere else I could possibly imagine. What is a world where everyone walks around believing that they know what's right and what's wrong and what's good for everyone else? Is that a joke that's being played on me right now? Because if it is, it's not a really good one, and one that is about to be turned dramatically. At work today I was extremely tired. I hadn't had a wink of sleep the entire night before, so I decided to take a quick stroll around Bate to wake myself up. One of my fellow co-workers was in the office while the other secretaries were at lunch. After many laps up and down the stairs and face fulls of cold water later, I returned to the office, only to be scolded by my supervisor. My fellow co-worker left for the day, which left the front office unattended, and of course, the burden of blame fell on me as usual. There was just one thing that she said that pissed me off and resonated over and over again. "It can't happen again". And though this would have been standard procedure, standard procedure pissed me off today, and I don't know why. But at any rate, I've been to this "place" many times before, and know that when I get here, it's time for a change. I'm quitting that job. I'm officially declaring 2009 the year of the Barry, in which I'll create more shock waves than I ever have before. I used to be an outrageously mean person, but somewhere along the line I changed. I became more accommodating to people. And that was the biggest mistake of my life. I've experienced my last submission just to keep peace around me. If people want and utterly mean bitch, that's what they're gonna get from now on. Barry the bitch that doesn't care about anyone but himself. Humanity deserves the biggest piece of humble pie its ever had to choke down.

So, I cried the other day. Not your normal, everyday boohoo crying. I literally cried until I physically hurt. Until my head felt as though it would throb right off my shoulders. You see, this wasn't normal crying. This was crying that comes from places we don't know exist. And after it was over, after I was almost to the point of unconsciousness from physical and emotional pain...there was nothing. No changes, no big epiphany. Nothing. There was just nothing. I poured my heart out in the form of tears, and there was nothing to show for it. There was no audience to give me an Oscar for my performance that fell of deaf ears and that nobody every saw. This wasn't normal crying you see. This was soul crying. This was the crying that you do when you can't do anything else but cry. When you reach a point where there is absolutely no other choice but to, because you have been broken and torn down and hurt in so many ways that the best architect or builder could never put you back exactly the way you were before. I asked myself afterward, why, why cry like that? And the answer didn't come. I guess a part of me, the foolish part that still thinks that a jolly man with rosy checks comes down the chimney on December 24th and gives me everything I ask for. That part of me, thought that if I cried hard, just hard enough, that if I filled some sort of tear quota, God would jump out and say "HA, got you!" And would finally remove me from a nightmare that has lasted twenty years. But no, there was nothing. Nothing but me and my wet pillow. And despite how much I would have liked to have lay there and continued the process of purging everything, I couldn't. Because on that day, I cried. I cried for everything I've ever been, everything I never was, and everything I will never be. But most importantly, I cried for everything that I am. I cried for me. There's a point when you realize that all the band-aids and all the doctors in the world can't stop your heart from bleeding. And it overflows, with liquid that won't stop flowing until it's exhausted. That is what you call a broken heart. But still, even after that day of crying and still no God to speak of, to end something I surely thought to be a joke, I came to a realization. That I would never in my life cry that hard again. That I would never be able to allow all my troubles, and all my sorrows to build so much that I could have cried the tears of an entire nation. That no matter what I will never, ever cry again in my life, I will never cry that many tears at once. They won't roll down my face the same way. They won't create the inkblots on my pillow, that told the story of why I could ever reach so helpless of a place. I will never cry with such reckless abandon that I could have killed myself by dehydration. I won't cry that way anymore. People don't cry like that anymore. There's nothing that makes you feel more human than crying, than being that vulnerable, than being that weak. And when it was all over, and I had cried so much that my eyes were the color strawberries, I lay in stillness and solace, and realized that all I have is me...all I have.

What makes us tick? Really? What forces a person to say "enough"? I guess it's common knowledge that all humans have a threshold for everything...anger, pain, even pleasure. The one thing that we humans seem to have the shortest fuse for is tolerance. Each and everyday, we choose to tolerate people, their actions, their presence...their existence. But what would happen, what would happen if we all decided to go outside and close our eyes, and pretend that none of us were here? But then again, most of us walk around with our eyes closed all the time anyway. Fumbling around in the brightest daylight, bumping into things and people. Even though we may be taken by the hands, and guided, we still refuse to open our eyes and we slap the hand away. Why? Is our hurting that great that we must fortify our defenses to make sure no one gets in? We hide behind anger, pride, selfishness and hate. Why can't we hide behind love? And where's the shame in hiding behind someone else every once in a while...giving in? How foolish are we really? The amount of love that one can attain, from just letting someone in, especially those that actually care for us. Hold on dear life, don't go off running from what's new. The sun shined the other day. More like it was smiling at me. It reminded me of you as i'd first known. But even the sun refuses to shine some days. And so, most of us remain, each and everyday, tolerating each other. In our perfect little worlds were we are the only ones that matters. If only we could give up that stubbornness and let someone else in. We would no longer be just people, but we would be brothers and sisters. We would become whole for a change. WHOLE! No imperfection, no unhappiness, and best of all, we would be friends always and forever, in this life and the next.

how long have I
been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I ten feet under and upside down?
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright

We belong together,
like the open seas and shores.
wedded by the planet force,
we've all been spoken for.


The hammer may strike, be dead on the ground.
a net to my hand, a cross on his crown.
we're done if, who we're undone,
finished if who we are incomplete.
as one we are everything,
we are everything we need.

we belong together,
like the open seas and shores,
wedded by the planet force,
we've all been spoken for

What good is a life, with no one to share,
the light of the moon, the honor of a swear.
we can try to live the way in which you speak,
taste the milk of your mother earth's love,
spread the word of consciencness you see,
we are everything we need

We belong together,
like the open seas and shores.
wedded by the planet force,
we've all been spoken for.

All this indecision,
all this independent strength,
still, we've got our hearts on safe,
we've got our hearts on safe.

someday when you're lonley,
sometime after all this bliss,
somewhere lost in emptiness,
I hope you find this gift...
I hope you find this gift...
I hope you find this gift

MY LIFE COULDN’T BE BETTER RIGHT NOW!!! Things are going great, I have terrific friends, and everything is going good. It’s like my soul have been taken to the dry cleaners and liberated from all the drama that I used to have when two particular people (who’s name are not important, they know who they are) were in my life. Wow, I only wish that I would have seen how much they were holding me down before. It’s amazing…how they thought I’d be devastated without them, and my life has actually catapulted into a period of pure prosperity and happiness ever since they have been gone. To all my ECU peeps, if you have someone who is holding you back, and always contaminating you, then please let them go. They are not worth it, and time does not make someone a good friend, trust me I know from experience. There are people here at ECU that I don’t know how I ever survived without before. To my twelve wonderful sisters, Nicole, Chelsea, Danielle, Tessa, Tiffany, Syretta, Samira, Emily, Shiona, Dare, Meagan, and Katrina. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! You make life worth living (if I forgot you, please forgive me, it’s rare that I’m this happy and in a state of pure euphoria!) So long bad times and hello good times! It’s true that everything happens for a reason. I may not be a firm believer in a higher power, but there is someone out there looking out for me, whomever (s)he may be. I’ve been liberated from two demons that meant nothing but harm to me, and always tried to keep me down and feeling bad. It's astonishing the difference I feel now that these “demons” have been emphatically dealt with! Take my word people, letting go of people whom you no longer have a reciprocal relationship with is so liberating and revitalizing. I’m proud to be a pirate…AARRRRGGGG!!!

Sincerely,
The happiest boy that lived

P.S. I'M A SURVIVOR!!!

I can tell by her eyes that she don’t love me,
Not because of who I am, but ‘cause of what she see.
I may not have the muscular body or the modelesque face,
But I hold my beauty in another place.
If she would just take a second to stop and look within,
And take a peak at my soul and where its been,
She’d think me more beautiful than any model could ever be.
She’d count a heart as a mirror, rather than what she see.
So should I change, shift, mold myself to appease her eyes?
Should I not be me at all, and live my entire life in lies?
Or should I stay me, and pray that “love” will find me one day?
Or should I keep hoping that she’ll love me because I dress or look a certain way?
Nah, she don’t love me, I can tell by the way she cut her eyes.
That she’d rather me live my life in some sorta pretty disguise.
She’d rather my exterior be the best part of me.
And my soul some disfigured thing that nobody will ever see.
Am I only saying what an ugly person would say? Nah that ain’t the case.
What kind of stupid person would choose a beautiful soul over a pretty face?
I mean what dummy would really want a person that has nothing to hide?
A person that would put you on a pedestal because of what you have inside?
But I’m sure I’m livin’ in some type of fantasy world,
When I say I’m not lookin’ for that “pretty faced” girl.
Nah, I’m sure she don’t love me, I can hear her words and tell,
That I’ll never be nothin’ more to her than an angel in a shell.

I can see no future for me, for one cannot see where there is no light present, and where there is no light present, one will always be lost. Lost in the vast expanse of nothingness, obscurity, humanity. Is there anything that can bring me back from this place…this place so cold and lonely whose population is 1? I can try to retreat into my mind all I like, but as long as my mind is in the hands of others, I might as well stay…stay and fortify this façade that I stand behind every waking hour of my tormented existence. It’s amazing how much work I have put into it, this façade of mine. I mend it when it cracks…polish it when it loses it luster, and most importantly of all, I fortify it so that it continues to grow. But the time approaches when it will fall…fall and crumble into the dust, and I will find sanctuary elsewhere. Do not weep for me when I am among the ranks of the dead…weep not for me, but for the life lost, a life that should have been better delegated to another more deserving. Do not waste your strength beating and pounding, for these walls are fortified with all the hurt and agony in the world. Do not strain your voices screaming, for my ears are deaf behind this façade that I have been forced behind. Do not waste your efforts searching around the wall in attempts to find an opening somewhere, a weakness that can be taken advantage of, for there are none. There is nothing left behind this wall…nothing at all, and I have all the world to thank. I can’t run anymore…I will drink your poison.


Sincerely,
La Mort

What is tragedy? Is tragedy when one has been taken from this world prematurely? Or is tragedy when one lives to reach old age, but has not lived at all? When someone passes, people perform elaborate rituals. Individuals that are usually callous are all of a sudden filled with uncontrollable emotion, and most are filled with regret and the realization that "maybe, just maybe I've taken this person for granted." There are beautiful floral arrangements, music that evokes sadness and reverence, and open arms at every turn whose purpose is to provide solace. There is only one question that I ask at this point in my "life." Where are my floral arrangements? Where is my melancholic processional? No where do I turn and see people weeping over me. I no longer seek extended hands in attempts to provide sustenance, for sustenance is impossible where no life exists. Where along the line did it become okay for people to murder and suffer no repercussion? They may not physically shoot me with bullets and they may stab me with knives. But their eyes, they be bullets that pierce the heart and their words, oh their cold words, they be daggers that poke and prod at the soul until it wanes into nothingness. I have been fed lies all my life...lies intended to make me feel as if I am actually worth something. As the years draw on, I know differently. There is no profit in pretending anymore. My cursed face, my cursed being...there can be no love for me, for I am a black man, object of hate to all. There is no experience that would make me want to cling to this damned life (if it can be called that.) Forgotten, abandoned, frozen in place. Stagnant, silent, fallen from grace. I am nothing, I am no thing, I am me.

Sincerely,
La Mort